A single ray of sunshine has the power to transform a dreary day into a canvas of hope, reminding me to be grateful for the simple joys that life offers.
Today, I am filled with gratitude for Shiv’s presence in my life. In moments when finding a reason to smile seems impossible, she effortlessly brings joy to my heart by simply removing my sunglasses and playfully gesturing for me to place them on her. I look forward to the day I can share all these stories with her as she grows.
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In loving memory of a remarkable woman whose heart knew no bounds—someone who embodied the essence of unconditional love and acceptance.
From the moment we met during my early college days, her warmth enveloped me like a comforting blanket. Her home in Hillside became a sanctuary where I was embraced not just as a guest, but as a cherished member of her family. With every sleepover, every shared meal often grilled tilapia and chop suey, and every quiet moment, she poured out a kind of love that seemed almost too generous, too complete to be believed. I often wondered what I had done to deserve such love and favor, but to her, it was simply a matter of heart.
She had a unique way of showing her affection, from the gleam in her eyes when she called me “gwapo,” to the tender tone when she uttered “langga.” These weren’t just nicknames; they were affirmations of the special bond we shared, one that was evident to everyone around us. Her pride in my achievements and her empathy for my struggles were as sincere as they were profound. Every success of mine was a triumph she felt in her heart, and every setback a pain she shared.
Even when life’s complexities pulled us into different orbits, our connection remained tethered by invisible strings of mutual respect and affection. Our private conversations, though sometimes separated by distance, were bridges we built over any divide. She was an unwavering believer in the good within me, often saying, “bal-an ko nga maayo ka gid nga tao”—a testament to her faith in my character, despite the flaws I saw in myself.
Visiting her in the ICU last April 16, I felt the weight of our journey in the silence between us. Holding her hand, I saw the faintest stir of recognition cross her face when i said “si Clintoy ni Ma, ang gwapo mo nga langga.” It was a quiet, sad moment, a goodbye neither of us was ready for, but she deserved to feel loved and familiar during it.
Today, as I reflect on the void her departure leaves behind, I am reminded that what I buried was not just a maternal figure, but a true ally, a relentless supporter, and a joyful cheerleader of my life’s journey. Her absence leaves a big, empty space that still feels full of her lively spirit, a spirit that always cheered me on, supported me endlessly, and loved me deeply.
She taught me that true love transcends the boundaries of conventional relationships and that in the fabric of our connected lives, each thread is woven with the colors of acceptance, support, and unconditional love. As I move forward, carrying the imprint of her love, I realize that a piece of her lives on within me—a testament to the influence she had on my life.
Rest well, Mama Jo. Your legacy of love endures.
To my Dearest Pags,
As the heavens celebrate your birthday today, my heart is filled with a mix of joy for the memories we shared and unbearable ache for your absence. Not a single day passes without me feeling the weight of your loss, yet your spirit remains a constant source of solace and inspiration to me.
You meant more to me than just being a sister. You were my greatest cheerleader, my guiding light, and a believer. Your unwavering belief in me encouraged me to pursue my dreams, and your love helped me through difficult times. Your friends often mentioned how proud you were of me, know that I feel the same about you. You showed bravery, positivity, and endless love as Mommy Pags to our nieces and nephews. Your influence on my life has been huge, shaping me into the person I am today. Even though I’ve made some mistakes lately, I hope you’re still proud of me up there. I’m doing my best to improve every day, but it’s hard knowing you’re no longer here with me physically.
Your inner and outer beauty shone brighter than any star in the sky. Your kindness touched countless lives, leaving behind a legacy of love and compassion that continues to resonate.
Even though you’re no longer here in person, I feel your presence in every gentle breeze, every sunbeam, and every twinkling star in the night sky. You’ll always be a part of my memories, and your love continues to guide me. I still have your UAE ID, your jacket, and your ATM cards. I framed your photo in a Swarovski picture frame because I know you’d love it. I even bought a crystal star because I often imagine you shining among the heavens.
On this special day, as we honor your memory, I send my deepest love and warmest wishes to you in heaven. Happy birthday, Pags. Until we are reunited, know that you are deeply missed and eternally cherished. Until that moment arrives, I’ll continue to serenade you with “Piece of You,” the song I crafted in your honor.
With all my love, Clintoy
Lately, I’ve been feeling really confused about why I’m here and if what I do is important. These questions were making me feel lost. But then, something small but special happened that changed how I think.
I realized I was too focused on trying to do big things and forgot to enjoy the simple stuff around me. We often hear that we should always want more and be more. But I learned that being happy doesn’t come from having a big goal. It’s about enjoying the little things—like a chat with friends or a nice moment on a regular day. You don’t need big, flashy things to find joy.
Today stood out as a great day for me. I went to Joshua’s church, talked about some interesting things with my friend MLC, and had dinner with dear friends Ella, Kian, XT, Jillian, Doc Che, and Mao at Kylie and Mac’s newly opened resto. There was nonsensical banter which I enjoyed most and, of course, meaningful and deep conversations. These moments are what make life beautiful. I am really thankful for today.
I think I should do this more often. I can start over. I want to get closer to God again and stay close to people who make me feel positive, especially those who inspire me. These are the people who believe in me and have helped me. I also need to start believing in myself more and enjoy the small, happy moments that make life good.
Let’s start this journey again, focusing on the little joys and the people who make life worth living.
When you feel very sad and confused, answering “How are you?” seems impossible. It’s like trying to talk about a big storm while you’re in the middle of it. For someone like me, who feels a lot of emotions, this question feels very big. It’s like opening a box that lets out all my mixed feelings, and it’s hard to share or even understand them.
For example, I was at McDonald’s recently, getting chicken with rice and orange juice. I was waiting in my car when the staff gave me my food and told me to drive safely with a smile. They probably say this to everyone, but it made me feel something strong. Suddenly, I started to cry. I didn’t even know why. That simple smile made everything feel too real, and I couldn’t stop the tears.
Trying to answer “How are you?” when you’re feeling like this is very hard. It’s like being asked to paint a big picture but you only have a few colors. You want to be honest, but everyone expects you to say “I’m fine,” so that’s what you say. It feels wrong, like putting a small bandage on a big cut. It doesn’t really help with the deep feelings inside.
For people like me, that question is not just small talk. It’s a big reminder of the struggle I’m going through all the time. It shows the difference between the easy “I’m fine” and the storm of feelings I’m really feeling. Trying to answer feels like walking a tightrope between being true to myself and saying what others want to hear.
Really, when someone asks if you’re okay and you’re feeling a lot of emotions, it doesn’t feel like they understand. It’s not that their kindness doesn’t matter; it’s just that what I’m feeling is too big and complicated for a quick chat. My breakdown in the McDonald’s parking lot shows that. A simple act of kindness showed how sensitive and mixed up I feel inside.
I do appreciate your concern and care. Please don’t feel bad or upset with me if sometimes I don’t feel like answering that simple but complicated question. The world is still a beautiful place because of people who really care and want the best for others.
My life’s like a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs. It’s a real comfort to have folks by my side during the tough times, offering a helping hand, whether it’s their time, skills, or just being there for me. But when I hit a rough patch, I sometimes pick up bad habits. I really should swap these out for healthier ways to cope, like hitting the gym or chatting with a friend. I often end up regretting these bad choices, kicking myself for feeling cut off or dragging my heels when I should be reaching out and keeping on top of things.
Letdowns have a way of messing with how I see things, making me quick to point fingers at others for the heartache I feel. Instead of playing the blame game, I should talk about what I’m feeling and look for common ground. When love doesn’t come back my way, it’s not fair to blame the other person for not living up to what I hoped for. I need to think about whether what I expected was fair and if I made my feelings clear.
At work, when plans go sideways, I tend to blame my team too quickly. Rather than finding fault, I should help by giving positive feedback and pitching in to make our teamwork better. Like, if I blame traffic for being late, I could’ve just left earlier. And that time I blamed my assistant for not waking me up, I totally forgot I could’ve set my own alarm.
I’ve blamed my family and school for letting me down before. I was so caught up in being mad at my parents for not being there that I missed seeing all the love and care I got from Lolo Fred, Lola Diday, Mommy Ofelia, and the special kindness from Lolo Marianing. Being raised by Tita Deling and Tita Susan was different; but hey they really shaped who I am. Even though my parents’ harsh words and actions left a mark, I now see how important it is to deal with and heal from those wounds. And that time a teacher doubted my art, I wish I’d either gotten more opinions or just kept at it with my drawing.
It’s easy to blame the government and its backers for society’s problems. But getting more informed and involved in community stuff could be a way forward. And when personal setbacks or medicine side effects get me down, I’ve been too quick to lash out. A smarter move might be to look into different treatments and talk to doctors, taking an active role in looking after my health. My friend Ella’s been on at me to try pickleball and get some sun. I haven’t listened yet, but maybe it’s time I did. She’s only looking out for me, after all.
Realizing it’s simpler to blame others than to look at my own part in things, I now see the importance of owning how I react to life’s challenges. It’s not just about what others could’ve done differently but also what steps I can take to better my own situation. From teaming up at work to better chats with my family and taking charge of my health and spiritual well-being, these steps are key for my growth, peace, and, ultimately, happiness. This path to self-awareness and acceptance isn’t easy, but it’s how I truly take control of my fate.
In the quiet of night, a soul whispers, “Why do we persist, when hope seems amiss? If the essence of love fades into the abyss, And the sun’s golden kiss no longer brings bliss.
What if success loses its gleam, And dreams feel distant, a vanishing stream? In the maze of life, lost without a theme, Wondering, ‘What if I no longer dream?’
A millennium passes, names turn to dust. Why endure the pain, in whom do we trust? When the connection to the divine feels unjust, And prayers seem to vanish, lost in the gust.
Though surrounded by love, it’s not what I seek, What if I’ve changed, grown tired and weak? No longer the person you knew, unique, Would you still stand by me, even at my peak?
If the past loses its hold, and future uncertain, When dialogue with my God is behind a curtain, If my prayers seem to falter, of this I’m not certain, Will your love remain, or is this the final curtain?
‘Will you still say, I am here, I will wait, through every tear? And I love you no matter what, ’Even if my heart seems shut?
What if those words lose their meaning? In a world where I’m no longer leaning. Towards the light, feeling like fleeing, Would you still find a way of intervening?
A poem of doubts, a cry in the dark, Seeking a spark, a remark, That in this endless park, who will be my ark?
